— CiaoCatherine

Episode 13 is a real doozy. Everyone is an animal! Robb doesn’t even show up on screen, but he’s now the wolf pup marching south, and Sansa is an obedient little dove (or is she?) and Bran is actually a wolf and a bird and a bunch of other things.

Last week was a cliffhanger in which Craster clubbed Jon over the head for following him into the woods when he made his infant sacrifice to the Others. Raise your hand if you thought Craster was going to offer Jon to the Others. Jon is like, “You don’t understand, Mormont, he’s killin’ them, all the boys…ohmygodyouknow” Yes, Jon. He knows. You are like, literally the last person on the Night’s Watch to figure this shit out.

“Like it or not, we need men like Craster,” says Mormont. If there’s anything this society runs on, other than the spinning wheels of fire in the opening credit, it’s men like Craster, and Varys, and Baelish, and everyone else who has figured out how to survive in this sick sad world that is the Seven Kingdoms by being sick sad people.

Sam and Gilly have A Moment. He gives her his mother’s thimble, the only thing he has of his one relative who gave a shit about him. She takes it; he promises to return to collect it (and her). Those crazy kids. I hope they get married and have lots of non-incestual offspring.

Back in Winterfell, Bran is having more of his nutty anthropomorphized dreams. He questions Luwin about the lore of magical humans who could inhabit animals’ bodies. Ta-da! This explains a lot! “What boy doesn’t secretly wish for hidden powers to lift him out of his dull life into a special one?” Writers, are you looking at us, the audience? I see what you did there.

A hop, skip and a jump over to Storm’s End (the first time we are seeing it by the way, and doesn’t it sound like a retirement community?), and two soldiers are battling for the entertainment of their Gay King Renly Baratheon and his new bride, Margaery Tyrell. (Her dress is super futuristic and low cut and awesome. I like her already.) Doesn’t it seem like a waste of resources for all these top soldiers to constantly be battling it out in Fight Club? Ser Loras Tyrell, Margaery’s brother and Renly’s lover, is fighting a masked soldier, who wins. Psych, it’s a lady! Lady Brienne of Tarth. “Just call me Brienne,” she tells Catelyn. “I”m no lady.” For her valiant efforts, she gets one wish. She wants to be a member of the King’s Guard. Granted! Personally, I would have asked for some gold, or a seaside cottage with a trust for property taxes.

Catelyn is visiting to ask Renly to help out Robb Stark, but she’s not exactly getting along with everyone. Conversely, there’s an exhange between Renly and one of his soldiers to demonstrate what a friendly, easy-going guy he is. I may be your king, but I’m just like you guys! He leaves to “pray, alone.” We see where this is going.

On Pyke, Theon and Yara are having an argument by candlelight. I was terrified during this scene that they were going to kiss. Papa Greyjoy details to his children how they’re going to take over the North and defeat the Stark army. He gives Yara 30 ships. He gives Theon one ship. “The Sea Bitch,” says Yara. “We thought she’d be perfect for you.” Yara is being kind of a sea bitch.

Theon tries to convince his father and sister to team up with the Starks, but Balon is too hell-bent on going to war. “Your time with the wolves has made you weak.” And your time in a damp, salty castle has made you insane, Balon.

In King’s Landing, Tyrion and Shae are having a lover’s quarrel. It’s the oldest story in the book: boy meets girl, boy hides girl in secret chamber in family castle, girl wants to go outside, boy wants her to work undercover as a kitchen wench. ”Every man who has tasted my cooking has told me what a good whore I am,” quips Shae. I hear that, sister!

I thought I’d attended some awkward family dinners, but nothing tops the one where Sansa’s tween-in-laws are asking their mother, “Is our brother going to kill Sansa’s brother?” Sansa is continuing her “name, rank, and serial number” numb captive routine. We can see the wheels turning. Shae is appointed her handmaiden. Hopefully Sansa has sense enough not to confide in her, but she’s a teenager, so, we’re not betting on it.

Tyrion continues to set up his tidy little hermetically-sealed inner circle. He wants to weed out anyone who is more loyal to Cersei, so he tells Pycelle, Varys, and Baelish that he plans to marry off Princess Myrcella to three different men in a political power play (with the stipulation that “the queen mustn’t know”): the (as yet unnamed) youngest son of House Martell of Dorne, Theon Greyjoy, and Robin Arryn of the Vale. I don’t know anything about the Martell kid, but we know that Theon is 1) a jackass when it comes to “romance” (but, bonus, he’s into very young girls?) and Robin is still breastfeeding, despite no longer being eligible for the kid’s meal. Best of luck to you, Myrcella, if any of this pans out! You’ve got some real winners to choose from.

Renly is “praying” “alone” i.e., getting it on with his boo. Loras is like, get off me, I am mad at you for emasculating me after my pretend fight, and also my chest hair is growing back in weird! (Remember that scene from Season 1?) Loras sends in his sister for sexytimes with her new husband. Renly is trying very hard not to burst into tears while she kisses him. He is terrified of vaginas. After offering him herself, she offers up some Real Talk. She’s well aware of Renly and her brother’s relationship, but also knows if he’s going to be king, and she’s going to be queen, she needs to get pregnant ASAP, so if that means using her brother as a marital aid, so be it. This is one understanding lady! Understanding, and cunning. I like this broad.

Cersei and Tyrion get into a shoving match. She’s heard of his plans to send Myrcella off to Dorne. Guess we know who the mole is now! Theon writes a letter to Robb warning him of his father’s plans. Then he burns it. He’s made his choice. He gets baptized with seawater, being welcomed back into the fold.

Baelish doesn’t like being made a fool of! But he softens when Tyrion offers him a chance to run an errand that involves negotiating with his crush, Catelyn, for the release of Jaime. Tyrion has his men cart Pycelle off to the dungeons. Tyrion and Varys sit down for a cup of chianti and discuss power. “Power resides where men believe it resides,” says Varys. “It’s a trick, a shadow on the wall. And, a very small man can cast a very large shadow.”

Somewhere in Westeros on the way to the Wall, the Night’s Watch recruits are sleeping in a barn. Did this remind anyone else of that scene from the Disney animated film 101 Dalmations?

Arya can’t sleep. She’s polishing Needle, the sword Jon gave her. She and Yoren have a fireside chat about vengeance and grief. We learn that Yoren came to the Wall because he murdered his brother’s killer. Arya can’t stop picturing the faces of Joffrey, the queen, her father, her sister, all in the moments before Ned’s death, but her eyes glimmer with satisfaction upon hearing Yoren’s story. Watch out, Joffrey. Arya’s coming for you.

A warning horn sounds outside the barn. “Ho! Get up ya lazy sons o’ whores,” yells Yoren. “There’s men out there who want to fuck your corpses!” Can I make this soundbite my morning alarm clock?

Yoren pulls Gendry and Arya aside, and tells them to hide, not to fight, and to run northward if shit goes down. Shit proceeds to go down. Those two soldiers Yoren pissed off earlier have returned with reinforcements. They proceed to question Yoren, and a battle breaks out. All the recruits watch Yoren get speared from all sides. A fire’s been ignited, and Arya frees the three men from the last episode who are still in their cage. Arya, Gendry, and the other young recruits are rounded up as prisoners. One of them has been shot in the leg, and asks the head soldier to carry him. He brutally skewers him through the neck with Arya’s sword. “We’re looking for a bastard named Gendry,” a soldier says. “Give him up, or I’ll start taking eyeballs.” Everyone looks at each other nervously. Arya, blessedly, thinks quickly and sees the boy that’s just been killed had Gendry’s bull-horn helmet, and identifies him as Gendry. Cut to black! Let’s hope the less intelligent recruits have sense enough to call Gendry something other than “Heh….ndryyyy.”

I was a little unsure after starting this journey last week, but the first recap got some good feedback. It seems some people think that I am funny, and/or they found putting names to characters helpful in understanding the story. Glad to be of service, m’lords and ladies! Unlike last week’s much-delayed recap, I planned to have this up Monday afternoon. That would have required watching the program Sunday evening, but unfortunately I was passed out on the tile floor of my bathroom, praying for the angels to take me and release me from the grip of some pretty serious food poisoning. That did not happen, but I did live to tell the tale, so let us begin:

Episode 12 starts where Episode 11 ends: in the company of the newest Night’s Watch recruits. Arya chats it up with the three rapists/murderers in the jail cell on wheels. One of them is played by a sensitive James Franco type. He’s a little too good-looking, and therefore I am suspicious that he’ll have some more speaking lines later.

Two men from the king’s watch show up with a warrant for Gendry. Arya thinks they are there for her. Surprise! They are there for Gendry, and no one knows why, not even Gendry, who does not know he is probably the last living child of King Robert Baratheon (RIP). One of the two guards and Yoren cross swords and by swords I mean a dagger and an artery. (“I could shave a spider’s arse if I wanted to!” says Yoren. Haha. You are a poet.) The dagger wins (this round!). The men ride back to King’s Landing, minus one sword.

Tyrion goes to visit his secret girlfriend. She is having a chat with Varys, aka, The Spider, aka The Master of Whisperers. What a name. “You should taste her fish pie,” says Tyrion. Just to be clear, he is talking about her vagina, not her home cooking. If you weren’t clear on that, the writers then insert four more references to fish pie and fishing and fishermen. Ugh. Can’t we go back to using “twat” and “arse”? Much more dignified. The audience feels beaten over the head with a dead carp, and I mean an actual carp, this is not another reference to the human anatomy.

Varys makes vague threats towards Tyrion. Tyrion says, “I’m not Ned Stark, I know how this game is played.” The Eunuch responds, “The storms come and go. The big fish eat the little fish, and I keep on paddling.” The Eunuch is the Heath Ledger’s Joker of King’s Landing. “Some men just want to watch the world burn.” His only allegiance is CHAOS!

The Lannister cousin that Rob Stark has sent to King’s Landing with His Terms is before Tyrion and Cersei. She tears up the parchment. “You are getting really good at tearing up paper,” Tyrion says to his sister. So true.

One more thing before you go, cousin, says Cersei. “Have you seen Jaime? If you speak with him, tell him he has not been forgotten.” Or not! Whatever. I am super casual. Haha! So you know, if you happen to see my brother-lover I mean brother-uncle I mean Jaime, say hey, or not, whatever. If you have time. It’s cool. Everything’s cool

Also, a raven has arrived. (That white one? What was with that white raven, anyway?) Mormont has written to tell the King about the night walker making it into Castle Black. No one believes him, except Tyrion, who has Seen Things.

Back at the Knight’s Watch encampment at Craster’s Keep, the boys in black are telling locker room stories, like, you fart when you die. The night is dark and full of terrors and the world is full of cold hard truths, and one of them is that you fart when you die. Ghost the Direwolf is terrifying one of Kaster’s daughter-wives, Gilly, who is holding a dead rabbit. Pro tip: Do not hold animal carcasses in front of you when in the presence of giant hungry wolves. Sam shoos Ghost away. She is pregnant with her child-sibling (ugh). Sam and Gilly beg Jon to smuggle her out of the compound, because she knows if she has a brother-son, something bad will happen. Jon wants to know what is so bad that happens. At first I was like, Memo to Jon Snow: Craster kills his sons! But what I didn’t consider is how he kills his sons. At first I figured it was normal old infanticide, but that would be too normal for this show.

Meanwhile, back in the Red Waste where Daenerys and her people are hanging out, waiting to hear back from their scouts, there is a serious Oregon Trail situation going on. Everyone is hungry and dehydrated and the oxen have drowned in the sand river and the children are dying of TB and look, one of the scouts is back! Just kidding, it’s just his horse. With the scout’s head in a bag. And whoever cut off his head included his ponytail, which has also been cut off, probably so it can be donated to Locks of Love. At least his killer was a thoughtful soul. Can we just pause and consider how many beheadings this show has had in its short run? Ten? 100? 1,000? Leave it to George R. R. Martin to look to Mexican drug cartels for inspiration.

Theon Greyjoy The Romantic has taken leave of his friend and faux-brother Robb Stark to negotiate with his father, Balon, Lord of the Iron Islands. On his cruise to the islands he is taking the ship’s captain’s daughter below deck. In true Theon The Romantic fashion, he says, “Try smiling with your lips closed.” Swoon. This sex scene cuts to two more acts of copulation, within the walls of Baelish’s House o’ Whores. A customer is displeased! His lady du jour is weeping. Baelish gives him another prostitute, after he wipes semen from her mouth. Classiest brothel this side of Westeros, this place! Take a breath mint on your way out. They’re free.

Speaking of Theon, remember that time he threw a nickel at Ros so she would flash him her business as she rode a potato cart out of Winterfell? Well, Ros is now managing Baelish’s brothel. She is the red haired office manager of this show, strong and confident. However, Ros is the lady who is crying. Baelish goes in to talk to her. At first you think he’s being very sweet, but then he tells her a terrifying little story of a former weepy prostitute that he sold to a real sicko, “to use her in ways that never occur to most men.” Uhhhhhh. And here I thought they had Something Special, then he had to go and talk in a Law and Order: Special Victims Unit psychotic villain voice. Baelish, I don’t know how much longer you’re going to be my favorite.

Tyrion has invited Janos Slynt, head of City Watch, over for a glass of pinot, followed by a night cap of an exiling to The Wall! So long, Janos! It’s been real. Bronn is now in charge. Tyrion is really setting himself up as a super bad ass. “If I told you to murder an infant girl, still at her mother’s breast, would you do it, without question?” asks Tyrion. “Without question?” says Bronn. “No, I’d ask how much.”

Back at Craster’s place, Arya is figuring out that her father had an interest in Gendry, and Gendry is like, “Girl, I know you’re a girl.” And now he knows she’s Lady Arya Stark. Doesn’t that feel better to get everything out in the open?

Back in the Iron Islands, some old merchant is all, “Whatcha doin’?” And Theon is all, “Oh, you know, carrying some wine, some other stuff and by the way I’m the only living son of Balon Greyjoy! Boom!” He leaves to go get Theon a horse. Meanwhile, a lady has been listening. She offers to take him to Balon. They have a sexy verbal exchange. “Maybe you need someone to teach you,” etc. They ride on her horse to the castle. He is feeling up her breasts then sticks his hands down her lady pants as her breathing gets heavy. “This will be a night you tell your grandchildren of.” Okay, first of all, Theon, whose grandparents talk about sexcapades on horseback? No wonder you are so messed up.

Theon arrives. Hi dad! Remember me? I love you! Balon makes lots of jokes about Theon dressed like a girl, Ned Stark’s daughter, and a whore. Skirts are very on trend in Winterfell, okay, Balon?

Balon is like, daaaaaad, I’m not a girl, and I remember my brothers, and I want to make you king again! Here are Robb’s demands. Just sign it. It’s a good idea, I promise. “I am your only living heir. Who else?”

The lady horse rider comes it. “YARA?!” It’s his sister. Oh. My. God. Guh-ross. Sidebar: I had stopped vomiting by the time I watched this episode, but this scene almost set off another round.

Yara is not only captain of a championship-winning softball team, she commands her own ship, and her father is going to send her to lead men into battle. Sorry, Theon! Guess you have to go back to being generally disgusting.

Back at Dragonstone, Davos is recruiting his friend Salladhor Saan, a pirate, to sail for the army of Stannis Baratheon. He agrees, but only on the condition that he can rape queen Cersei upon taking King’s Landing. So, we introduce the first black guy this show has seen, and he’s immediately portrayed as an unapologetic rapist. Ugh. Show.

Speaking of Cersei, she and Tyrion are fighting again. He’s trying to convince her that they’re “losing the people” and that when winter comes (Winter is coming!) they will revolt against her and Joffrey. Tyrion realizes Joffrey was the one who ordered all of Robert’s suspected bastards killed, and didn’t have the courtesy to tell his mom first. Ruling is hard! “It’s all fallen on me,” she wails. “As has Jaime, repeatedly, according to Stannis Baratheon,” says Tyrion. Zing!

“You’re funny. You’ve always been funny. But none of your jokes will ever match the first one, will they? You remember, back when you ripped my mother open on your way out of her and she bled to death,” retorts Cersei.

“She was my mother too,” says Tyrion, sadly. “Now they’re gone.” (Presumably she means their mother and Jaime?) “For the sake of you,” says Cersei. “There’s no bigger joke in the world than that.”

Yowzah. Things just got real dark. I mean, this is how Irish families talk to each other on holidays after a few drinks!

Stannis and Melisandre walk into the play room, and Davos and his compatriot are playing with their new Playmobile Battle for the Iron Throne Extension Pack. If movies and television have taught me anything, it’s that when we are presented with a table littered with game pieces like checkers or tiny figurines or such, they will eventually be swept off in a dramatic fashion and sex will happen on that surface. Bingo!

Melisandre convinces a reluctant Stannis to bone her. His wife is sick, “shut away in a tower”? Jane Eyre-style? Stannis is like, “I don’t know, bewitching priestess in a Dianne Von Furstenburg wrap dress! I’m married and stuff! But wait - you want to give me a son? YAY!”

There is a thing no married guy has ever said.

And so, all the Playmobil pieces fall to the ground as Stannis thrusts into her, a metaphor for the men that will surely fall in this, the Gaaaaaame of Throoooones.

Back north o’ the Wall, Jon Snow is creepin’, watching Craster take one of his new infant sons into the woods. He follows him. He sees Craster returning from the depths of the woods sans baby. He hears the infant’s cries and rushes towards them, only to see A Creature take the baby away, further into the woods. The very Creature we saw in the very first episode, the tall growly humanoid one with glowing blue eyes. Uh-oh. This might explain why They are not bothering Craster – he offers them routine human sacrifies! Jon hears something. He looks up. Craster hits him over the head. Cut to black. Cliffhanger!

More gold from ArrestedWesteros.com

Here we go! Four days late! Apologies to the two people who will read this.

Lest ye forget how the first season of Game of Thrones ended, in a stunning final sequence of barbarity, the baby king Joffrey goes off the ranch, and beheads his just-deceased father’s Hand (of the King) / best friend forever Ned Stark, in front of Ned’s eldest daughter, Sansa, who he happens to be engaged to. Yikes! His mother, the Queen Cersei, pretty evil but not quite that evil/rash, is all “WHAT HATH MY HUBRIS WROUGHT” and most likely now incredibly terrified of her teenage son. Teenagers! I feel like I’ve been around a lot of them lately with DC’s tourist season in full swing, and they are constantly rolling their eyes or complaining and I just want to smack them, and I don’t even know them. If you were ever a teenager, go hug your parents and say “I’m sorry.” You were probably the worst. We all were. But Joffrey is actually The Worst.

(from ArrestedWesteros.com, home of the very best Game of Thrones + Arrested Development mashups. Click, delight, repeat.)

I’m giving myself permission to try my hand at something I’ve long wanted to do: recapping an entire series of a show as it airs. After sporadically watching the first season at a friend’s house last year, then plowing through the first 75% before stopping just short of the REALLY SCARY PART (I wish I was joking), and then watching all ten episodes these last two weeks in good and learned company (meaning, someone who has actually read all the George R. R. Martin novels the show is based upon), I’m chomping at the bit for Season Two to begin. It’s unprecedented that I’ll have access to an HBO show as it airs, so I’m gonna run with that. Pending that the show is available online for HBO subscribers on Sunday night, I’ll post on Mondays. If it’s Monday, it’ll be Tuesdays. Stay tuned.